Hello fellows here is your one and only Mathew,
broadcasting glittering gems for the world to swallow with no mercy and not even one pinch of salt, raw, uncooked.
I had a pretty tough month to say the least but I dont want to drown in self pity for a change.
For it is time to change.
Yesterday I went out, downtown, to this shindig I mean the best gig I have ever been to (And I have been to see the Swans last April if anyone recalls). really fucked up music this band played. I was truly one of the younger ones there but we kept it moving and cool especially after a couple clean shots of Perfect. Honestly I dont care what we drink and I prefer it clean.
V's brother drove her, E and me downtown where we met B. B is very pretty, she is blond and Russian but doesn't have any glimpse of accent attached to her flowing verbs and adjectives.
I dont really like my voice and I can truly get jealous just by hearing people who contain a good set of vocal strings not so they could sing but so they could talk and sound like velvet or maybe a rough patch of leather.
We are all minors which is fine by me but E consistently said she wasnt, maybe she is right to claim we are older than we are. I should pay attention closely to how socially flourishing gents are behaving so I could take notes and anticipate to get better at all of this myself. I was pretty wasted so everything went good and I enjoyed most of the things and the majority of the songs and the majority of the cigarettes I held.
People were kind to me and truly pretty rough in the inside of the bar, Im bruised. I fell numerous times and people had to say mean comments about it, yeah I remember one insult slashing the air from my right I cant translate it without it loosing half of its dignity, so I wont.
I'm doing some changes in my life, well Im trying.
Like, Im figuring it out, in a typical way.
I gave myself a free pass yesterday, I didnt make any connections like E did but the next time I go out I will, I have to, I have to develop the skin of a zebra on the subject, black and white, stripey and lean, fast and furious and above all present.
So I will try to come back here to update on my change and Im leaving some organized anecdotes for future behavior for you to enjoy and for me to fully grasp:
* Organize and initiate plans.
* Be more out going
* Go back to dressing up for no cause
*Leave my feelings out of every social scandal
* wont take part in any teen drama fighting shindigs
*Observe and learn
* Always say yes to adventures especially if they take place in a new place.
* Find a job preferably at a : restaurant / movie cinema / Hamburger place to keep busy at all time.
* keep busy at all time
* Stop feeling sorry for myself
*Lie about my age
*Demand, and see how that works out for me
* Stop shaking
*Stop being intimidated by new people, other people, confident people.
* Make human relations everywhere I turn
* Fake it
*Live like I mean it
*Start getting texts and phone calls like I used to before I got depressed and lost all my friends.
*Be a personality
*Do something different with my face/ hair
*Consider how to go on about my therapy with my new therapist
What I got to do this week:
*Get a new person into my life
*Have one adventure
*Find a job
*Say yes and be out going
Thanks for taking in my bullshit, I really needed it.
Sorry.
