scolionophobia- just found it while browsin' dictionary.com. look it up.I swear.

School is out indeed but it is only oficialy over on Monday , the day we all get our bloodcurdling flesh slashing and spine-chilling REPORT CARDS.i know the usage and the connotation of these spooky adjectives are pretty much out of place considering the fact Im only in the 9th grade and I have 5 more of those candies to go before I graduate (excluding the final  bloodcurdling flesh slashing and spine-chilling REPORT CARD that gets me into the best University it could buy). Other than that, my grades are pretty good this half, I DID NOT FAIL MATH. 

This is actually my last year in middle school but I have to say it was in fact the most flaky and idiotic period of my school life. Out of plain apathy and tardiness I have shut down my decision making system, I've totally ignored any choice that needed badly to be established and made- 'Why would I go checking out schools that I didnt necessarily need to go to if it was obvious I continued my goody-goody education in the hole I first got it' kind of things.  hence, I'll be finding my lazy ass studying up until my senior year in the same loony bin school only in a different building. That's not the only change 10th Grade is shoving upon me, but you know, considering the truth that the education system in different places in the world is not much alike , the chances any of my systematic bullshiz about the system will make sense to you 'kewl kidz' are unsurprisingly vague and slight.

BUT

I think I need to say something about high school and school in general. Especially for those who forgot how it feels. so to warm up the finger vocals Im going to share with you my Survival Technic for school as cool as school that you could rule. (getting caught up in the rhyming thing should be found on the 'Being socially active in high school' handbook in the donts column.): 

a. Make sure your math teacher likes you. If she doesn't and you are not Einstein's twin, make sure you sit in the back of the class next to someone who is louder than you and well, lets phrase it this way- is not as brain skilled as you are, Ninja kid.

b. Never talk back to an angry pimp in the holloway , even if its necessairy and you have a great point, he is just going to get humiliated and chase you around school like a hunter. If he happens to be indulging in a soccer game with your head, please be warned in advance, you are not responsible for his lost soccer ball but you will have to face the bruising consequences. 

c. Biology teachers who say insulin is secreted from the brain are never to be trusted. In fact, dont bother correcting them either , the last kiddo who did that got marked like the guy from the bible.

d. Failing a third language is ok. Go easy on yourself. Bonne Noel!

e.When you rather doodle in class, (Im sorry if this statement has dishonored and offended the Aliens, i know you hate doodling and you rather eat the gum that is snagged and stuck under the table instead.) spare as much table space as you can get , divide the desk if you may,( into 300 cubes) for every physics class you ever have to go through.

d. Child Support on speed dial is always useful and practical.

e. Actually remember what goes after e in the abc. Note: previous statements.

f. When a friend forgets their Methylphenidate and there's nothing else to do just remember the line "Let it be" for two reasons, he/ she are becoming an 'it' and well, because it reminds me of "if you love something l/set it free". (dont get me wrong Methylphenidate has done wonders for 65 kids I know, we are 120 in my grade. I happen to be very calm and quiet.)You are going to have a blast.

g.  You can cut Gym class with detention chaining down your lunch, but you can never pretend you have you period in order to stay on the bench. Smart girls. Damn it.

h. You have the permission to skip the first period of every Monday and Wednesday , look how wise I turned out and Ive never attended either one of them.

i. Get friendly with the school's guard or just be punk, he is scared to death by the punks so they come and go as they please.

j. You should probably stay away from the cafeteria in April.

k. there's no such thing as being yourself, if you stick to this advice you'll end up naked on a couch with The Office on , farting to the sound of potato chips heavenly crashed in your mouth. I mean seriously, guys, we are shaped by so many social norms- its so hard to dig into our tiny little souls and unleash our true nature- our complete 'being yourself' pose mode button is located behind your teeth, you have to puke in order to turn it on, your call.

Cutting to the very own soul of my argument:

School , especially public schools, are for you to get educated and for me to whine about. I dont think teachers are doing it wrong, I dont think students are the only variable in the education equation. Good education relies on both teachers and students - their backgrounds, the respect they share for each other and the importance and the relevance of the subject being taught from both perspectives. Of course the aura has to be just right as well.

I know that teachers like to mark 'black sheep' in the crowd of students and this is the reason many students have a hard time getting out of their "class clown" or 'whatever it is thats holding them back' stigma, but if you usually crave that much attention that you are willing to give up your tact in order to get it then I'm assuming you deserve the discrimination until you understand you can learn if you just opened a book and stopped trying to steal the center of attention.

 Let me phrase it a different way, the education is out there but no one is going to chase after you and fully confirm you are using all the tools you are given by the system. You are forced by law to finish at least 9 years of education , no one is going to rescue you from your own mistakes if you dont take your education in your own teenaged hands. Do what you want and do what you can but dont complain that the system has given up on you with disrespect if you are giving them the class clown syndrome in full volume. If you find yourself in this situation it means your motives are questionable and probably unknown so you cant blame anyone for the black forehead mark you are getting by your teachers.

 It isnt really disrespectful when you are the one responsible for how the system treats you and Im not talking about all black marked students,Im talking about how your actions reflect back to you when you have something to do with it- again if you are just waiting for the teacher to fight for your own learning, then you are living in a very complex fairytail my dear fellow. Some teachers will make an effort but most dont have the time to dedicate  to your personal education if you dont beat them to it, first. Its true teachers need to make more effort to spot those sheep and free them of their chains but also the students have to be willing to change and open up to this thing called LEARNING. There has to be a speck in the middle.
Again,Im not speaking of the times where students are discriminated for no fair reason  and teachers treat them disrespectfully because it's personal- if this is the case then you shall stand up and fight for your rights!  

When it boils down to respect ,  the best thing you can do to spare you the fall is to be smart. Use your words to your defense and not to play against you.  If you don't really feel like studying, its your choice, whatever makes you sleep at night.

I think it only made sense in my head.

Mat.

P.S
This was written late at night, please excuse any grammar mistakes, the tenses tend to get kind of tense when its late.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ITS SUMMER?!?!?!?!

steroids to heaven and other school methaphors

hello

I think its my 2nd post this month and Im very happy with my accomplishment (let me just pop open a sleazy silk bottle of champagne and celebrate the glorious achievement, mind you!) and you know , Im thinking about how not to bore you with my life while still getting rid of the things that are naturally bothering me.

Pretend I did not sound like such a wuss for a moment. I'll start over.

Its the end of the year now. Hardly any school, the smell of summer kills my nose with a bittersweet sensation. The end is always the biggest sensation because you are on the verge of loosing the routine while still in it like , say, you are listening to a mix and most of the songs are not your cup of tea and instead of focusing on listening you are looking forward to the next songs until you get caught up in a routine- in the songs and when you get to the last songs and things get less and less organized your listening is interrupted, the record starts skipping and you know the end is near. You have expectations from the next mix and you dont know what to expect. Does this make any sense? I waited and waited for something to happen all year. In the beginning of the year I thought that by winter I'd have the year all figured out , friends wise, life wise. Winter has ended a while ago, I've turned 15 and nothing changed the way I thought it would. No girl, no life, no fun, no friends I like. I'm not a snob boy, nor am I a total desperate human being so I take it easy with life and let the aliens do their magic. The only thing that did change is my perspective, my world view , Im more independent, more cynical in public, less social Im afraid.

People say that nothing is going to happen to you if you dont step up and get out of your box. I dont know how screenwriters in Freaks and Geeks for example, managed to make a teens life so fucking special and interesting, how I'd love to be Nick or something. There is nothing in the world I can do by myself. I admit this for the first time in a long long time, I NEED COMPANY. So, there is this little fact that you should know about me and it's that I have Anxiety attacks every time I step out of my comfort zone so in the past year Ive avoided anything that gave me the anxiety vibes. Out of pure depression and black-ness Ive pushed everyone away and when I look back at what Ive done, socially, I dont regret a single thing. Im happy I broke friendships that didnt matter Im happy Im now mentally ready to get back on the horse and try a new and exiting life as the independent me-- the intelligent me(in comparison to the old self of course) - the 90's me(fell in love with the vibe) . Im ready to just live and have fun for a change.

This morning I was really depressed to be honest, this post was written two days ago when I was more or less enthusiastic, now Im better but Im not feeling too well either. I really wanted to get out of the house and take a bus and a train downtown but I couldnt pull the strength to do it on my own,I wanted to go by the book store and the comics shop and the theater and have a little fun but the depression monster flashed a pair of bloody wild claws and demanded  my gloomy body , trapped, I froze on the couch in front of a documentary about steroids (which was quite interesting considering the fact I think they are bullshit).

So, Im going to let go of this post now and address a question to all of you folks out there:
Are you in my situation ? What do you think is the best way to step out of the box? What do you feel about the end of the school year?

stay hydrated.
Mat-

p.s- steroids to heaven- you get it? zeppelings song- stairway to heaven?

would you fancy some bullshit next to your coffee, sir?

Hello,
My name is Mathew  , I'm 15 and currently a single, lifeless and an unemployed piece of human ball. Ive been around blogs for a while and it struck me that no guy my age has a blog. Well, maybe there are some boys writing their butts off somewhere in the world but either they are too ashamed to let the world know they are, or the name of their blog does not shine, saying " I'm a gold digger", enough for me to double click their link on Google. Yes, I Googled.

Hence, it is time for Mat to take out the electronic clear keyboard (lies) and write about his life. BLAH.
Done with third person(more LIES).

Is it just me or is it getting hot by the minute? It's the second day of June and I'm resting in a couch potato pose (it would be pretty stupid of me to mention that im on the couch ,hence the special adjusted pose?) . I am wearing a navy blue old sweatshirt, it's part of my school uniform so it is comfy as navy blue sweatshirt could be! Everything outside looks like its melting, the roses are screaming with horrified eyes, the grass is begging for forgiveness and the sun just smirks with delight and I, I am inside making a face to the sun teasing its UV rays with my sweatshirt. As we engage in a fierce staring contest , I know for a fact that I cant beat the sun and its stupid uneducated little UV Rays children and that I'll have to say goodbye to my favorite sweatshirt very soon, indeed. Here you go, fact number one about me, I hate the summer here in ------.

You know how people don't want to give out their location because they are afraid of stockers and  pedophiles? Well, I have a whole different reason to keep anyone who's reading this from mastering my whereabouts and it happens to be the fact that the place I come from holds a bad reputation for many political, social and economical reasons and I don't want any of this to affect my style of writing just yet , I think I'll reveal everything about me at some point, but now, when I'm just building up the courage to write my dumb "shit" here, I think I want to keep somethings to myself after all. Its only palatable.
***
5087327186 days later

I think, For some odd reason that the subconscious of your mind is very very very ill when all you think about is how you manage to pull the strength to actually think. To actually function. After months in the depression closet I think its time I recover from the big subconscious -nal car accident or something like that. you know, I was used to being the little detail in my own life, the small embellishment, I was really used to being the subordinate element in my own pitiful life. I stopped for a minute. I grabbed my stupid head with my clumsy chunky blobs of  hands (I like how it doesnt make sense when Im writing stuff at 1 am..) and I hated what Ive done. I hated the fact Im such a loser and a poser and a depressed fuck head . And you, you who came to enjoy your cup of whole grained coffee or some other bullshit while reading me ,  now you head over to the escape button because this reminds you oh too clearly of your own life , so I say. What do I say? I say we screw depression lets get rid of  the complaints and shut up. We find a gal , we find a friend , we read a book, we quit checking our indie pose just for a quick look to see if we aren't trying hard enough to fool ourselves in the process. And we try, we try our best not to forget to experience as much as we can in this short pathetic life. And who knows? I might be gone tomorrow. Or like in 2 minutes because I trip over the charger get hit by the metal part of the sofas leg , hit my head really hard, bleed, get up to get some ice and a towel , I run into a green dotted snake ad then it bites my ear off and I start running with pain and then I get run\ran (brain aint functioning) over by a drunk teenage boy such as myself and die.

Night folks. No I have no Point in anything I ever say but stick with me or something because Im vital and crucial and very very much alive. I think, but I see a snake. No, wait, its my toe.

ML