guess what

Dear friends and guests alike,
I AM IN ITALY!
the internet service is poor and hence you wont be getting any live signals off of me for a few weeks till I wear down to my usual comfort spot on my couch back home,

I'm sorry if this means Im not available to those whom I should be ,
you know who you are.

Thanks for the mutual understanding,

Yours truly,

Mathew

EDIT: I finished writing a short story, now, ironically, I have to go EDIT.

This is why you are lacking personality:

Well,
Today has been quite stupidly handled.
I swear, if I could have thrown myself into a comma, I would, with joy.
The only spot of light revealed itself on my drumming session with Boris, my teacher (I think I'm playing because meeting him is just a fucking highlight, I know twisted and all) but it too ended on a low note. I wont gwt into boring details but you better believe I have some research to get too just to convince myself all the scientific information he rushed in on me could be twisted into something I want to hear.

What you got to understand is that I try to maintain myself when it comes to relationships with my parents, with my so called friends and with people I just have as occasional guests in and out the settings of my little playtime, but it seems to hard to build myself. I'm a total pussy, I am indecisive and incapable of maintaining a strong sticking approach, what I mean is that, well, I have got no personality whatsoever.
You cant grow a strong personality.A strong personality, strong traits, interesting traits, grow you.Not, the other way around. Its quite lovely that I wish to accomplish a strong hard on personality but its not my decision to make, although its a right on shame because it is the only decisive approach I've been holding up to date.

I cant believe I broke down and teared in front of my mother. I cant believe I told her what I really thought and not the usual word game. I cant fucking believe I gave out a piece of myself for her to examine and that now I can never take it back. I wish I liked to be in my room better so that I wouldn't have to be on the couch accidentally watching a triggering show.

This is whats so low about my persona:
* I smoke and I don't. I haven't decided yet but I haven't had a pack since last may, which I threw out in the garbage just to show how indecisive I am about the paths I choose and avoid. I'm an occasional smoker which is bulls, I never have the guts to let myself just be.
* I'm not my own boss, I mean I'm not a person that someone would want to get to know or be with, I come in a box attached to a shiny better looking item or I don't exist. I stand by the people who show me the way.
*I reveal too much about myself.
* I talk to my parents and that makes me weak. Dont try to correct me, I think its weak that Im 15 and cant possibly keep myself-to myself.
* I dont have any ambitions, well, I  only got one, but its a short term one and involves having a personality.
* I dont know what to say.
* I want to send this competition a short story but I dont have anything and Ive been trying to write a short story for that competition since the 30st of DECEMBER, darn it. And I cant seem to pull the right idea or the right words.
* Im lame.
*Im home too much
*I dont have enough knowledge.
*Im lacking carisma
*Im waisting my time
* I wish I could take a vow of silence for the rest of my life. Oh, I wish I could just shut up.

Dont get me wrong, I dont like myself enough to feel sorry for myself, this is not a pathetic attempt at self pity this is self hatred, Im serious, this list just makes me wish I could donate my hair to charity and my clothes to hobos and my savings to orphans and join an orphanage but I cant, they are just all out of my league, damn it.

falling down some stairs to an oven full of Pasta

When a kid does good

he pockets a star

Mama I've been good Mama I've done well

Mama look at me-

dont you glare

Mama disappear,

vanish before I will.

Thus the kid does bad

he pockets a star

Mama it hit me

mama it did.

Dear Anita,

My name is Juan Antolitini. You most probably don't remember me. That would be for a few reasons, some I will keep sacred. Some, I will in a second reveal. The first time we met, I introduced myself as someone else and also you didnt seem to notice me for the most part. I wouldn't want to dig in  and describe your great  beauty as deeply as I should, you see, madam, you are as beautiful as snow in the winter but this is not the point of this letter that I am writing for you to read. let me tell you something about me, before we proceed. I am 23 years old. I have black shoulder length thick hair and my shirt is always white, not always clean. I was born as Julio but my sick mother, bless her, decided to change it when my kid brother died of an unknown disease, his name was Juan and the woman wanted her Juan, I didnt mind. My mother is still alive, though, if and whether you were wondering. The poor woman is sick as a human can be, she has a damaged spirit and she is well aware of that. Another thing you might want to consider about me is that I'm well shorter than you, my dear Anita.Your long legs are like shark teeth , sharp and dazzling- slicing my eyes with every step you take. Your arms are like roses, your eyes are like a dead animals skin, like leather. Cold- sad, dead.
Now you would love to know who I am, you spoiled child of mine. Our king, our so called leader is our connection. We met today at the dinner table, now, stay enclosed at the target- try to guess who I am.
Anita, your dress at the dinner table was a velvet blue robe that revealed the rose like hands I adore. Your necklace is pure gold, I can spot gold from yards away, I suppose now you must know that I was present at the dinner table earlier this evening. Now, indeed, you are wondering who this must be, am I a lousy joke or am I your Spanish mystery man... I am Juan  Antolitini, I am a servant of our great king, I am the guy who tastes our Kings food right before he does. My job is to see if his food has been poisoned.
My dearest Anita, forgive me for my rudeness. Forgive me for my lacking language.
This is my last attempt to contact a living thing, don't try to find me, not that you would, my dear child.Tonight, the food has been dumped in poison and I, I am the warrior who is destined to die so our King would too!I have been poisoned and so has our king.

Farewell my dearest, my beautiful, my sight,
Juan Antolitini