Well,
Today has been quite stupidly handled.
I swear, if I could have thrown myself into a comma, I would, with joy.
The only spot of light revealed itself on my drumming session with Boris, my teacher (I think I'm playing because meeting him is just a fucking highlight, I know twisted and all) but it too ended on a low note. I wont gwt into boring details but you better believe I have some research to get too just to convince myself all the scientific information he rushed in on me could be twisted into something I want to hear.
What you got to understand is that I try to maintain myself when it comes to relationships with my parents, with my so called friends and with people I just have as occasional guests in and out the settings of my little playtime, but it seems to hard to build myself. I'm a total pussy, I am indecisive and incapable of maintaining a strong sticking approach, what I mean is that, well, I have got no personality whatsoever.
You cant grow a strong personality.A strong personality, strong traits, interesting traits, grow you.Not, the other way around. Its quite lovely that I wish to accomplish a strong hard on personality but its not my decision to make, although its a right on shame because it is the only decisive approach I've been holding up to date.
I cant believe I broke down and teared in front of my mother. I cant believe I told her what I really thought and not the usual word game. I cant fucking believe I gave out a piece of myself for her to examine and that now I can never take it back. I wish I liked to be in my room better so that I wouldn't have to be on the couch accidentally watching a triggering show.
This is whats so low about my persona:
* I smoke and I don't. I haven't decided yet but I haven't had a pack since last may, which I threw out in the garbage just to show how indecisive I am about the paths I choose and avoid. I'm an occasional smoker which is bulls, I never have the guts to let myself just be.
* I'm not my own boss, I mean I'm not a person that someone would want to get to know or be with, I come in a box attached to a shiny better looking item or I don't exist. I stand by the people who show me the way.
*I reveal too much about myself.
* I talk to my parents and that makes me weak. Dont try to correct me, I think its weak that Im 15 and cant possibly keep myself-to myself.
* I dont have any ambitions, well, I only got one, but its a short term one and involves having a personality.
* I dont know what to say.
* I want to send this competition a short story but I dont have anything and Ive been trying to write a short story for that competition since the 30st of DECEMBER, darn it. And I cant seem to pull the right idea or the right words.
* Im lame.
*Im home too much
*I dont have enough knowledge.
*Im lacking carisma
*Im waisting my time
* I wish I could take a vow of silence for the rest of my life. Oh, I wish I could just shut up.
Dont get me wrong, I dont like myself enough to feel sorry for myself, this is not a pathetic attempt at self pity this is self hatred, Im serious, this list just makes me wish I could donate my hair to charity and my clothes to hobos and my savings to orphans and join an orphanage but I cant, they are just all out of my league, damn it.
Every post you write is basiclly like you have read my mind. I had these EXACT same thoughts last night. But let me say this;
ReplyDelete-If one is born well adjusted and self confident then what's the point in being a teenager? I think that teenage years are about working yourself out.
- Writing that takes a long time to do is often more interesting as your mind is in a different place each time it is worked on so writing ruts are easier to avoid.
-Talking to your parents isn't that bad. Seriously. Society makes out that it is a pathetic thing to do,but it isn't.
-If you enjoy how you waste your time then it is not wasted.
-Talking too much is better than being introverted.
Okay I'm shit at giving out advice, and there aren't things I'm capable of telling myself.
Best wishes
Flower x