Zavvoooom

ok hi.



Im very bored but also really hyperactive. Its such a change being on these meds. I know that it sounds serious but it aint at all. All in all my Mother subscribes Xanas for me and I see a lot of improvement. I mean im not moving anywhere, or maybe I am, I just dont want to ruin it by writing about it. But my head is somewhere else its like suddenly not only I want to live but Im doing all the things I used to whine about not doing! Im going out, smoking, drinking, having a blast at parties. Entering pubs with no ID dancing like the crazy obscure person I always wanted to reach to. It comes with a price, the lying the manipulating, its something you need to get used to. Lying to everyone you respect, I mean its harsh. I have this huge secret and I swore not to tell anyone and all though no one really knows me here, or actually even reads my posts (with justice though) , I cant mouth it out. Its a big part of me and its pretty illegal and I just cant share it. It allienated me from the world in some way because its couching on my brain like a parasite and I cant even as little as get it off my chest to a friend. Its like it never happened but it did. It blows my mind how things just happen.



So I need to fix my guilt trip bus you all. It stops me from pushing further. It stops me from staying over.

Remember the me that used to be me?

So, wow
This has been a while to say the least...
I guess I neglected this site just the way I neglected my old self. The one that desperately wished to do things with life . Now when Im that person, only quite off of my original thought, I tend to forget the darkness of my grade 9 and even that bit of grade 10.
Now I dress for success or at least I look better. I make out with some when an opportunity knocks on the goddamn door  or when a pure bottle of vodka sits on my lap. The vodka is singing to me almost chanting motionless sensations fearless like a mountaintop.
Once you hit the top you feel fearless and alive and animal like, as if you were a sex machine ready to control  the universe with orgasmic powers and then you drown back to earth, to the pit of the garbage and the bottom of it all and the smell is up your nose and the shit is up your ass and you wish you never went that high so you would have never hit that low.
But thats the thing with life, you need to be optimistic or otherwise find a pill to do that for you. Wink. Just kidding you dont need pills. wink.
M
hope to show more signs of existence

Empire of the cock sucking sun

The hour is around six in the afternoon and the sun is tired of blinding me. Just like a hyper class clown that shuts down at the end of the school day and pleads to be off the hook once more and go home after his around the clock devoted investment in the teachers interruption system. The sun kinda needs to go home too and rest in miniature drops of liquid that we call clouds when really theres no such thing as clouds we just made that up because people were always lazy to understand what they are endlessly capturing in their minds.
Today I woke up early and rode two buses (not sitting at my usual spot) to the town where I meet my shrink. The sun was teasing with strokes of delicacy at that early hour of 9-10 am (yes, early..for the bear that is me) and the walk was rather nice mirrored out but, truthfully, between the keyboard and my hands, I was far off from feeling nice about anything. I'm not very good at keeping my own promises and me and E were yet again crime partners more than front on friends, and she, lets not put it nicely and soft, pissed the fucking shit out of me.
I was pissed so cock fucking much. And I wasn't even in the right mood to have it.
 I prepared my exercise, the one I made up just for myself. This exercise is mentally checked as 'the check' for that is my ultimate guideline to knowing whether or not I am cock fucking depressed or just in the hit of the shitty moment depressed, in other words am I momentarily sad or am I depressed?
The checker is a simple vision, a futuristic vision, I ask myself 'is there anything exciting waiting for you in the future? are you looking forward to a certain time?" and if the answer is NO, i just know that I'm depressed.
So guess what I felt?
Talking to my shrink today for the first time ever, made me feel better than worse, it usually upsets me and all my stupid habits the one that she claims are on the fucking verge of taking form as a front on medical disorder kick into full action. So Im glad she helped me. And less proud to say I cried like a baby sitting at that brown leather chair of hers. I dont know why I was so relieved. Because, nothing changed and yet everything changed.

How is everybody's summer?

fees of unity

feed me like you mean it.
Feed me slow with glue
that it will stick my-all together and
to be full will stay like oil on water little bubbles of fat
like the other day when you told me to shut up
feed me like a dog
slow and powerless as if I were a crocodile female guarding my little
and dont feed me at all if you were to slightly love me
and dont feed me at all because its cheap just like it hurts to go to sleep.

Returno

Hello fellows here is your one and only Mathew,
broadcasting glittering gems for the world to swallow with no mercy and not even one pinch of salt, raw, uncooked.
I had a pretty tough month to say the least but I dont want to drown in self pity for a change.
For it is time to change.
Yesterday I went out, downtown, to this shindig I mean the best gig I have ever been to (And I have been to see the Swans last April if anyone recalls). really fucked up music this band played. I was truly one of the younger ones there but we kept it moving and cool especially after a couple clean shots of Perfect. Honestly I dont care what we drink and I prefer it clean.
V's brother drove her,  E and me downtown where we met B. B is very pretty, she is blond and Russian but doesn't have any glimpse of accent attached to her flowing verbs and adjectives.
I dont really like my voice and I can truly get jealous just by hearing people who contain a good set of vocal strings not so they could sing but so they could talk and sound like velvet or maybe a rough patch of leather.
We are all minors which is fine by me but E consistently said she wasnt, maybe she is right to claim we are older than we are. I should pay attention closely to how socially flourishing gents are behaving so I could take notes and anticipate to get better at all of this myself. I was pretty wasted so everything went good and I enjoyed most of the things and the majority of the songs and the majority of the cigarettes I held.
People were kind to me and truly pretty rough in the inside of the bar, Im bruised. I fell numerous times and people had to say mean comments about it, yeah I remember one insult slashing the air from my right I cant translate it without it loosing half of its dignity, so I wont.
I'm doing some changes in my life, well Im trying.
Like, Im figuring it out, in a typical way.
I gave myself a free pass yesterday, I didnt make any connections like E did but the next time I go out I will, I have to, I have to develop the skin of a zebra on the subject, black and white, stripey and lean, fast and furious and above all present.
So I will try to come back here to update on my change and Im leaving some organized anecdotes for future behavior for you to enjoy and for me to fully grasp:

* Organize and initiate plans.
* Be more out going
* Go back to dressing up for no cause
*Leave my feelings out of every social scandal
* wont take part in any teen drama fighting shindigs
*Observe and learn
* Always say yes to adventures especially if they take place in a new place.
* Find a job preferably at a : restaurant / movie cinema / Hamburger place to keep busy at all time.
* keep busy at all time
* Stop feeling sorry for myself
*Lie about my age
*Demand, and see how that works out for me
* Stop shaking
*Stop being intimidated by new people, other people, confident people.
* Make human relations everywhere I turn
* Fake it
*Live like I mean it
*Start getting texts and phone calls like I used to before I got depressed and lost all my friends.
*Be a personality
*Do something different with my face/ hair
*Consider how to go on about my therapy with my new therapist


What I got to do this week:
*Get a new person into my life
*Have one adventure
*Find a job
*Say yes and be out going


Thanks for taking in my bullshit, I really needed it.
Sorry.

looking

Oh come on.

It is too early in the afternoon to be listening to my parents sex jokes.

I think its always to early for those.

Im probably kinda disordered this week.

I dont know, I try to cheer up but I truly cant seem to get over myself

pa-lease.

Im a big boy, big boys have fun, I guess they do.

I saw a tv program about this singer and when I heard how she spent her teenagehood I envy her to no end. 

I kinda envy everything, little skinny girls and people with strong personality that have lots of fun. People who runaway from home and live on their own for a while in a different city, just get on a bus and care not about anything nor anybody. 

Right now Im looking for a job. Anyone hiring?

nocostdom

Hello,
As freedom isnt something you can buy cheap, you need to attend as much powerful life long conferences as possible in the making of just slightly shaping the cushion under it.
whether it speaks to sense or not, Im sure we make it very clear that the vibes in which we go on about our lives is somewhat a freshly squeezed product of how much freedom we have built in our mind.
Let me oh-so kindly break it down for the naked eye to see ( more precisely, so I could see whether I hold a point tonight folks): freedom has a complicated definition, it could mean parental freedom to do whatever it is you want to do, it could be just as easy as living in a country where you are free of being a slave, free to vote at the right age- have the freedom to do as you seem fair- with boundaries.
Oh goody, boundaries, these where what I wanted to blab about, of course.
Boundaries:
1. Criminal Laws
2.Social 'Laws'- norms, social behavior rules and acceptance.

Lets skip right to number 2 for number one just bums me out sometimes, nothing is legal these days.
We are all familiar with THE CODE. A key to a society's blooming and flourishing. Going against it will end up causing a dilemma, a little outburst of shame and war. So you tell me, are we really the proud owners of Freedom? Are we really living up to the full potential of our short term relationship with earth? I dont know. Im not here to judge, I dont give a fuck at all. Not a shitty slight. I know its hard to avoid norms because we are so  very rooted to the ground by those that we seem to avoid any thought of cutting them loose, not in the actions of a revolution but in the paths of the mind! Its easier than it seems and yet so hard. So hard to set free to all those boxes keeping us in place.
So farting in public is rude, cleavage is dis respectable, lying is wrong and yet saying the whole truth and nothing but it is over the top, ok Im not talking about these. Im talking about the mind, the slavery of your mind. Maybe if we tried to think outside this situation and that awful thing that just happened and focus on things like "how I get what I want out of everything I do" or "what is my real reason for doing this/ speaking like this/ talking to that person about that topic?" I mean I sure have to try these things sometimes. I need to reinvent myself. Even if some people take me for granted I can sure do my darn best to own up to things, to get what I want and what I need to determine whether I deserve it. Free yourself of the critics free yourself of the burden of people, try to enjoy your time dont let it go to waste. Now lets see me do this one day when I sober up! Ha.

Sleep tight, Im coming back with  a chapter of a story.

Mathew