The hour is around six in the afternoon and the sun is tired of blinding me. Just like a hyper class clown that shuts down at the end of the school day and pleads to be off the hook once more and go home after his around the clock devoted investment in the teachers interruption system. The sun kinda needs to go home too and rest in miniature drops of liquid that we call clouds when really theres no such thing as clouds we just made that up because people were always lazy to understand what they are endlessly capturing in their minds.
Today I woke up early and rode two buses (not sitting at my usual spot) to the town where I meet my shrink. The sun was teasing with strokes of delicacy at that early hour of 9-10 am (yes, early..for the bear that is me) and the walk was rather nice mirrored out but, truthfully, between the keyboard and my hands, I was far off from feeling nice about anything. I'm not very good at keeping my own promises and me and E were yet again crime partners more than front on friends, and she, lets not put it nicely and soft, pissed the fucking shit out of me.
I was pissed so cock fucking much. And I wasn't even in the right mood to have it.
I prepared my exercise, the one I made up just for myself. This exercise is mentally checked as 'the check' for that is my ultimate guideline to knowing whether or not I am cock fucking depressed or just in the hit of the shitty moment depressed, in other words am I momentarily sad or am I depressed?
The checker is a simple vision, a futuristic vision, I ask myself 'is there anything exciting waiting for you in the future? are you looking forward to a certain time?" and if the answer is NO, i just know that I'm depressed.
So guess what I felt?
Talking to my shrink today for the first time ever, made me feel better than worse, it usually upsets me and all my stupid habits the one that she claims are on the fucking verge of taking form as a front on medical disorder kick into full action. So Im glad she helped me. And less proud to say I cried like a baby sitting at that brown leather chair of hers. I dont know why I was so relieved. Because, nothing changed and yet everything changed.
How is everybody's summer?
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