So, wow
This has been a while to say the least...
I guess I neglected this site just the way I neglected my old self. The one that desperately wished to do things with life . Now when Im that person, only quite off of my original thought, I tend to forget the darkness of my grade 9 and even that bit of grade 10.
Now I dress for success or at least I look better. I make out with some when an opportunity knocks on the goddamn door or when a pure bottle of vodka sits on my lap. The vodka is singing to me almost chanting motionless sensations fearless like a mountaintop.
Once you hit the top you feel fearless and alive and animal like, as if you were a sex machine ready to control the universe with orgasmic powers and then you drown back to earth, to the pit of the garbage and the bottom of it all and the smell is up your nose and the shit is up your ass and you wish you never went that high so you would have never hit that low.
But thats the thing with life, you need to be optimistic or otherwise find a pill to do that for you. Wink. Just kidding you dont need pills. wink.
M
hope to show more signs of existence
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Empire of the cock sucking sun
The hour is around six in the afternoon and the sun is tired of blinding me. Just like a hyper class clown that shuts down at the end of the school day and pleads to be off the hook once more and go home after his around the clock devoted investment in the teachers interruption system. The sun kinda needs to go home too and rest in miniature drops of liquid that we call clouds when really theres no such thing as clouds we just made that up because people were always lazy to understand what they are endlessly capturing in their minds.
Today I woke up early and rode two buses (not sitting at my usual spot) to the town where I meet my shrink. The sun was teasing with strokes of delicacy at that early hour of 9-10 am (yes, early..for the bear that is me) and the walk was rather nice mirrored out but, truthfully, between the keyboard and my hands, I was far off from feeling nice about anything. I'm not very good at keeping my own promises and me and E were yet again crime partners more than front on friends, and she, lets not put it nicely and soft, pissed the fucking shit out of me.
I was pissed so cock fucking much. And I wasn't even in the right mood to have it.
I prepared my exercise, the one I made up just for myself. This exercise is mentally checked as 'the check' for that is my ultimate guideline to knowing whether or not I am cock fucking depressed or just in the hit of the shitty moment depressed, in other words am I momentarily sad or am I depressed?
The checker is a simple vision, a futuristic vision, I ask myself 'is there anything exciting waiting for you in the future? are you looking forward to a certain time?" and if the answer is NO, i just know that I'm depressed.
So guess what I felt?
Talking to my shrink today for the first time ever, made me feel better than worse, it usually upsets me and all my stupid habits the one that she claims are on the fucking verge of taking form as a front on medical disorder kick into full action. So Im glad she helped me. And less proud to say I cried like a baby sitting at that brown leather chair of hers. I dont know why I was so relieved. Because, nothing changed and yet everything changed.
How is everybody's summer?
Today I woke up early and rode two buses (not sitting at my usual spot) to the town where I meet my shrink. The sun was teasing with strokes of delicacy at that early hour of 9-10 am (yes, early..for the bear that is me) and the walk was rather nice mirrored out but, truthfully, between the keyboard and my hands, I was far off from feeling nice about anything. I'm not very good at keeping my own promises and me and E were yet again crime partners more than front on friends, and she, lets not put it nicely and soft, pissed the fucking shit out of me.
I was pissed so cock fucking much. And I wasn't even in the right mood to have it.
I prepared my exercise, the one I made up just for myself. This exercise is mentally checked as 'the check' for that is my ultimate guideline to knowing whether or not I am cock fucking depressed or just in the hit of the shitty moment depressed, in other words am I momentarily sad or am I depressed?
The checker is a simple vision, a futuristic vision, I ask myself 'is there anything exciting waiting for you in the future? are you looking forward to a certain time?" and if the answer is NO, i just know that I'm depressed.
So guess what I felt?
Talking to my shrink today for the first time ever, made me feel better than worse, it usually upsets me and all my stupid habits the one that she claims are on the fucking verge of taking form as a front on medical disorder kick into full action. So Im glad she helped me. And less proud to say I cried like a baby sitting at that brown leather chair of hers. I dont know why I was so relieved. Because, nothing changed and yet everything changed.
How is everybody's summer?
Friday, June 8, 2012
fees of unity
feed me like you mean it.
Feed me slow with glue
that it will stick my-all together and
to be full will stay like oil on water little bubbles of fat
like the other day when you told me to shut up
feed me like a dog
slow and powerless as if I were a crocodile female guarding my little
and dont feed me at all if you were to slightly love me
and dont feed me at all because its cheap just like it hurts to go to sleep.
Feed me slow with glue
that it will stick my-all together and
to be full will stay like oil on water little bubbles of fat
like the other day when you told me to shut up
feed me like a dog
slow and powerless as if I were a crocodile female guarding my little
and dont feed me at all if you were to slightly love me
and dont feed me at all because its cheap just like it hurts to go to sleep.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Returno
Hello fellows here is your one and only Mathew,
broadcasting glittering gems for the world to swallow with no mercy and not even one pinch of salt, raw, uncooked.
I had a pretty tough month to say the least but I dont want to drown in self pity for a change.
For it is time to change.
Yesterday I went out, downtown, to this shindig I mean the best gig I have ever been to (And I have been to see the Swans last April if anyone recalls). really fucked up music this band played. I was truly one of the younger ones there but we kept it moving and cool especially after a couple clean shots of Perfect. Honestly I dont care what we drink and I prefer it clean.
V's brother drove her, E and me downtown where we met B. B is very pretty, she is blond and Russian but doesn't have any glimpse of accent attached to her flowing verbs and adjectives.
I dont really like my voice and I can truly get jealous just by hearing people who contain a good set of vocal strings not so they could sing but so they could talk and sound like velvet or maybe a rough patch of leather.
We are all minors which is fine by me but E consistently said she wasnt, maybe she is right to claim we are older than we are. I should pay attention closely to how socially flourishing gents are behaving so I could take notes and anticipate to get better at all of this myself. I was pretty wasted so everything went good and I enjoyed most of the things and the majority of the songs and the majority of the cigarettes I held.
People were kind to me and truly pretty rough in the inside of the bar, Im bruised. I fell numerous times and people had to say mean comments about it, yeah I remember one insult slashing the air from my right I cant translate it without it loosing half of its dignity, so I wont.
I'm doing some changes in my life, well Im trying.
Like, Im figuring it out, in a typical way.
I gave myself a free pass yesterday, I didnt make any connections like E did but the next time I go out I will, I have to, I have to develop the skin of a zebra on the subject, black and white, stripey and lean, fast and furious and above all present.
So I will try to come back here to update on my change and Im leaving some organized anecdotes for future behavior for you to enjoy and for me to fully grasp:
* Organize and initiate plans.
* Be more out going
* Go back to dressing up for no cause
*Leave my feelings out of every social scandal
* wont take part in any teen drama fighting shindigs
*Observe and learn
* Always say yes to adventures especially if they take place in a new place.
* Find a job preferably at a : restaurant / movie cinema / Hamburger place to keep busy at all time.
* keep busy at all time
* Stop feeling sorry for myself
*Lie about my age
*Demand, and see how that works out for me
* Stop shaking
*Stop being intimidated by new people, other people, confident people.
* Make human relations everywhere I turn
* Fake it
*Live like I mean it
*Start getting texts and phone calls like I used to before I got depressed and lost all my friends.
*Be a personality
*Do something different with my face/ hair
*Consider how to go on about my therapy with my new therapist
What I got to do this week:
*Get a new person into my life
*Have one adventure
*Find a job
*Say yes and be out going
Thanks for taking in my bullshit, I really needed it.
Sorry.
broadcasting glittering gems for the world to swallow with no mercy and not even one pinch of salt, raw, uncooked.
I had a pretty tough month to say the least but I dont want to drown in self pity for a change.
For it is time to change.
Yesterday I went out, downtown, to this shindig I mean the best gig I have ever been to (And I have been to see the Swans last April if anyone recalls). really fucked up music this band played. I was truly one of the younger ones there but we kept it moving and cool especially after a couple clean shots of Perfect. Honestly I dont care what we drink and I prefer it clean.
V's brother drove her, E and me downtown where we met B. B is very pretty, she is blond and Russian but doesn't have any glimpse of accent attached to her flowing verbs and adjectives.
I dont really like my voice and I can truly get jealous just by hearing people who contain a good set of vocal strings not so they could sing but so they could talk and sound like velvet or maybe a rough patch of leather.
We are all minors which is fine by me but E consistently said she wasnt, maybe she is right to claim we are older than we are. I should pay attention closely to how socially flourishing gents are behaving so I could take notes and anticipate to get better at all of this myself. I was pretty wasted so everything went good and I enjoyed most of the things and the majority of the songs and the majority of the cigarettes I held.
People were kind to me and truly pretty rough in the inside of the bar, Im bruised. I fell numerous times and people had to say mean comments about it, yeah I remember one insult slashing the air from my right I cant translate it without it loosing half of its dignity, so I wont.
I'm doing some changes in my life, well Im trying.
Like, Im figuring it out, in a typical way.
I gave myself a free pass yesterday, I didnt make any connections like E did but the next time I go out I will, I have to, I have to develop the skin of a zebra on the subject, black and white, stripey and lean, fast and furious and above all present.
So I will try to come back here to update on my change and Im leaving some organized anecdotes for future behavior for you to enjoy and for me to fully grasp:
* Organize and initiate plans.
* Be more out going
* Go back to dressing up for no cause
*Leave my feelings out of every social scandal
* wont take part in any teen drama fighting shindigs
*Observe and learn
* Always say yes to adventures especially if they take place in a new place.
* Find a job preferably at a : restaurant / movie cinema / Hamburger place to keep busy at all time.
* keep busy at all time
* Stop feeling sorry for myself
*Lie about my age
*Demand, and see how that works out for me
* Stop shaking
*Stop being intimidated by new people, other people, confident people.
* Make human relations everywhere I turn
* Fake it
*Live like I mean it
*Start getting texts and phone calls like I used to before I got depressed and lost all my friends.
*Be a personality
*Do something different with my face/ hair
*Consider how to go on about my therapy with my new therapist
What I got to do this week:
*Get a new person into my life
*Have one adventure
*Find a job
*Say yes and be out going
Thanks for taking in my bullshit, I really needed it.
Sorry.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
looking
Oh come on.
It is too early in the afternoon to be listening to my parents sex jokes.
I think its always to early for those.
Im probably kinda disordered this week.
I dont know, I try to cheer up but I truly cant seem to get over myself
pa-lease.
Im a big boy, big boys have fun, I guess they do.
I saw a tv program about this singer and when I heard how she spent her teenagehood I envy her to no end.
I kinda envy everything, little skinny girls and people with strong personality that have lots of fun. People who runaway from home and live on their own for a while in a different city, just get on a bus and care not about anything nor anybody.
Right now Im looking for a job. Anyone hiring?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
nocostdom
Hello,
As freedom isnt something you can buy cheap, you need to attend as much powerful life long conferences as possible in the making of just slightly shaping the cushion under it.
whether it speaks to sense or not, Im sure we make it very clear that the vibes in which we go on about our lives is somewhat a freshly squeezed product of how much freedom we have built in our mind.
Let me oh-so kindly break it down for the naked eye to see ( more precisely, so I could see whether I hold a point tonight folks): freedom has a complicated definition, it could mean parental freedom to do whatever it is you want to do, it could be just as easy as living in a country where you are free of being a slave, free to vote at the right age- have the freedom to do as you seem fair- with boundaries.
Oh goody, boundaries, these where what I wanted to blab about, of course.
Boundaries:
1. Criminal Laws
2.Social 'Laws'- norms, social behavior rules and acceptance.
Lets skip right to number 2 for number one just bums me out sometimes, nothing is legal these days.
We are all familiar with THE CODE. A key to a society's blooming and flourishing. Going against it will end up causing a dilemma, a little outburst of shame and war. So you tell me, are we really the proud owners of Freedom? Are we really living up to the full potential of our short term relationship with earth? I dont know. Im not here to judge, I dont give a fuck at all. Not a shitty slight. I know its hard to avoid norms because we are so very rooted to the ground by those that we seem to avoid any thought of cutting them loose, not in the actions of a revolution but in the paths of the mind! Its easier than it seems and yet so hard. So hard to set free to all those boxes keeping us in place.
So farting in public is rude, cleavage is dis respectable, lying is wrong and yet saying the whole truth and nothing but it is over the top, ok Im not talking about these. Im talking about the mind, the slavery of your mind. Maybe if we tried to think outside this situation and that awful thing that just happened and focus on things like "how I get what I want out of everything I do" or "what is my real reason for doing this/ speaking like this/ talking to that person about that topic?" I mean I sure have to try these things sometimes. I need to reinvent myself. Even if some people take me for granted I can sure do my darn best to own up to things, to get what I want and what I need to determine whether I deserve it. Free yourself of the critics free yourself of the burden of people, try to enjoy your time dont let it go to waste. Now lets see me do this one day when I sober up! Ha.
Sleep tight, Im coming back with a chapter of a story.
Mathew
As freedom isnt something you can buy cheap, you need to attend as much powerful life long conferences as possible in the making of just slightly shaping the cushion under it.
whether it speaks to sense or not, Im sure we make it very clear that the vibes in which we go on about our lives is somewhat a freshly squeezed product of how much freedom we have built in our mind.
Let me oh-so kindly break it down for the naked eye to see ( more precisely, so I could see whether I hold a point tonight folks): freedom has a complicated definition, it could mean parental freedom to do whatever it is you want to do, it could be just as easy as living in a country where you are free of being a slave, free to vote at the right age- have the freedom to do as you seem fair- with boundaries.
Oh goody, boundaries, these where what I wanted to blab about, of course.
Boundaries:
1. Criminal Laws
2.Social 'Laws'- norms, social behavior rules and acceptance.
Lets skip right to number 2 for number one just bums me out sometimes, nothing is legal these days.
We are all familiar with THE CODE. A key to a society's blooming and flourishing. Going against it will end up causing a dilemma, a little outburst of shame and war. So you tell me, are we really the proud owners of Freedom? Are we really living up to the full potential of our short term relationship with earth? I dont know. Im not here to judge, I dont give a fuck at all. Not a shitty slight. I know its hard to avoid norms because we are so very rooted to the ground by those that we seem to avoid any thought of cutting them loose, not in the actions of a revolution but in the paths of the mind! Its easier than it seems and yet so hard. So hard to set free to all those boxes keeping us in place.
So farting in public is rude, cleavage is dis respectable, lying is wrong and yet saying the whole truth and nothing but it is over the top, ok Im not talking about these. Im talking about the mind, the slavery of your mind. Maybe if we tried to think outside this situation and that awful thing that just happened and focus on things like "how I get what I want out of everything I do" or "what is my real reason for doing this/ speaking like this/ talking to that person about that topic?" I mean I sure have to try these things sometimes. I need to reinvent myself. Even if some people take me for granted I can sure do my darn best to own up to things, to get what I want and what I need to determine whether I deserve it. Free yourself of the critics free yourself of the burden of people, try to enjoy your time dont let it go to waste. Now lets see me do this one day when I sober up! Ha.
Sleep tight, Im coming back with a chapter of a story.
Mathew
Friday, April 6, 2012
Chemistry Fhemistry
Hi there,
The hour is pretty much late and Im safely typing under the influence of two blankets on our leather couch with MTV in the background. The humming of bad rappers and failing pop artists is accompanying me tonight, every once in a while there are some new stuff on that's too off on the hipster side to be put on regular program time next to our friend Gaga or whoever. Fine.
I mean, I have so many pages to fill concerning my state but its too risky to spill the content of my questioned being since the 7th of March. I dont know. Everything keeps on changing.And I cant fully explain the group dynamics that failed to hold me like aura to a boiling pot for those molecules are too complicated and now when its sealed and done I cant really grasp what the hell went on. And a lot did. I was drugged for a period of time that now looks like forever by a chemical connection that took an inside job to be broken and divided, and to simplify my bullshit (always needed, in my case) it only took a couple- a young pair of love doves I mean, and rumors, of course! Oh well, now when its done I guess I am able to see again, I was blind by fitting in. I was blind and now I can see. I was stuck and now with all my sadness and nostalgic sentimental gesture toward that time I have this big window of opportunity to start over. To restart. Those people never appreciated me to a full extant and all though I wanted to fill the gaps our friendship never made it to a level where I could state, never ever going back on it, that we can talk and flip the speech like fish and it wouldn't get boring. Because friend, I know you think I trashed you behind your back, I really didnt, but I do have to say I never had a friend who was as boring as you were to talk to. I dont think its me though, I think the problem is actually yours. You lost me and i think I was pretty damn ok, ok? So fuck off now, Im just having a little fun now that you kicked my ass out of our little nest of a group... Even though you broke my chances with that person I wanted to, I'll put it harshly and flattened as hell, 'hook up', it was never your fault, it was mine and Im aware of the fact that even if you had invited me that night, i dont think anything whould have happened there. Im ok with it.
So.....
Fresh start eh?
pshh.... Havent had those in a while now. Im actually pretty damn excited because thats the first time since I moved back here that somebody is kicking me out of a group and not me exiling myself for the sake of it. Yes, I used to do that, a lot. Wow. Thats what I call 'Moving somewhere'.
As Im writing this I know that I cant escape S and E, even though they have decided to cut me off, it doesnt mean it wont go back to a relationship state of being. As Im writing this Im realizing that I was in that same exact situation a year ago! I never learn! And now Im hanging out with T, just like it used to , I need a change, I cant stick to this circle of corruption and distaste! Seriously, inhale this motto "Have fun". Thats all, I guess, for now. You dont need no more than that when you are 15 touching 16...
Oh and happy one year anniversary, Raw Powerr, woah, I dont remember when exactly I formed you but it was in April so its bound to be that day sooner or later...
The hour is pretty much late and Im safely typing under the influence of two blankets on our leather couch with MTV in the background. The humming of bad rappers and failing pop artists is accompanying me tonight, every once in a while there are some new stuff on that's too off on the hipster side to be put on regular program time next to our friend Gaga or whoever. Fine.
I mean, I have so many pages to fill concerning my state but its too risky to spill the content of my questioned being since the 7th of March. I dont know. Everything keeps on changing.And I cant fully explain the group dynamics that failed to hold me like aura to a boiling pot for those molecules are too complicated and now when its sealed and done I cant really grasp what the hell went on. And a lot did. I was drugged for a period of time that now looks like forever by a chemical connection that took an inside job to be broken and divided, and to simplify my bullshit (always needed, in my case) it only took a couple- a young pair of love doves I mean, and rumors, of course! Oh well, now when its done I guess I am able to see again, I was blind by fitting in. I was blind and now I can see. I was stuck and now with all my sadness and nostalgic sentimental gesture toward that time I have this big window of opportunity to start over. To restart. Those people never appreciated me to a full extant and all though I wanted to fill the gaps our friendship never made it to a level where I could state, never ever going back on it, that we can talk and flip the speech like fish and it wouldn't get boring. Because friend, I know you think I trashed you behind your back, I really didnt, but I do have to say I never had a friend who was as boring as you were to talk to. I dont think its me though, I think the problem is actually yours. You lost me and i think I was pretty damn ok, ok? So fuck off now, Im just having a little fun now that you kicked my ass out of our little nest of a group... Even though you broke my chances with that person I wanted to, I'll put it harshly and flattened as hell, 'hook up', it was never your fault, it was mine and Im aware of the fact that even if you had invited me that night, i dont think anything whould have happened there. Im ok with it.
So.....
Fresh start eh?
pshh.... Havent had those in a while now. Im actually pretty damn excited because thats the first time since I moved back here that somebody is kicking me out of a group and not me exiling myself for the sake of it. Yes, I used to do that, a lot. Wow. Thats what I call 'Moving somewhere'.
As Im writing this I know that I cant escape S and E, even though they have decided to cut me off, it doesnt mean it wont go back to a relationship state of being. As Im writing this Im realizing that I was in that same exact situation a year ago! I never learn! And now Im hanging out with T, just like it used to , I need a change, I cant stick to this circle of corruption and distaste! Seriously, inhale this motto "Have fun". Thats all, I guess, for now. You dont need no more than that when you are 15 touching 16...
Oh and happy one year anniversary, Raw Powerr, woah, I dont remember when exactly I formed you but it was in April so its bound to be that day sooner or later...
Monday, April 2, 2012
She is a big girl now.
She can take care of herself. She locks the doors and shuts the windows and gets a blanket when its cold.
She cooks dinner when she is hungry, she gets the stove to work just fine.
She knows that whats wrong is wrong and whats right depends on the circumstances. She fell for a new one and they talked for a thousand years time. Under a colder sky than the fridge, that's for sure, she can staple a truth to that. The night took a younger shade while maintaining a black pitch almost deadly to the eyes of the observer, people came and went, gathered around a drunk spirit and clattered off into gates of the memory. No coincidence, there She thought, that this is right around from that one night in December or was it October?
Now She knows a taste what is, now She feels the flattering wings of disaster.
And romance is a sold deal, it is a joke not likely funny to each and every ear and She knows the truth just fine.
Cant She get a night's worth fun?
She can take care of herself. She locks the doors and shuts the windows and gets a blanket when its cold.
She cooks dinner when she is hungry, she gets the stove to work just fine.
She knows that whats wrong is wrong and whats right depends on the circumstances. She fell for a new one and they talked for a thousand years time. Under a colder sky than the fridge, that's for sure, she can staple a truth to that. The night took a younger shade while maintaining a black pitch almost deadly to the eyes of the observer, people came and went, gathered around a drunk spirit and clattered off into gates of the memory. No coincidence, there She thought, that this is right around from that one night in December or was it October?
Now She knows a taste what is, now She feels the flattering wings of disaster.
And romance is a sold deal, it is a joke not likely funny to each and every ear and She knows the truth just fine.
Cant She get a night's worth fun?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
guess what
Dear friends and guests alike,
I AM IN ITALY!
the internet service is poor and hence you wont be getting any live signals off of me for a few weeks till I wear down to my usual comfort spot on my couch back home,
I'm sorry if this means Im not available to those whom I should be ,
you know who you are.
Thanks for the mutual understanding,
Yours truly,
Mathew
EDIT: I finished writing a short story, now, ironically, I have to go EDIT.
I AM IN ITALY!
the internet service is poor and hence you wont be getting any live signals off of me for a few weeks till I wear down to my usual comfort spot on my couch back home,
I'm sorry if this means Im not available to those whom I should be ,
you know who you are.
Thanks for the mutual understanding,
Yours truly,
Mathew
EDIT: I finished writing a short story, now, ironically, I have to go EDIT.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
This is why you are lacking personality:
Well,
Today has been quite stupidly handled.
I swear, if I could have thrown myself into a comma, I would, with joy.
The only spot of light revealed itself on my drumming session with Boris, my teacher (I think I'm playing because meeting him is just a fucking highlight, I know twisted and all) but it too ended on a low note. I wont gwt into boring details but you better believe I have some research to get too just to convince myself all the scientific information he rushed in on me could be twisted into something I want to hear.
What you got to understand is that I try to maintain myself when it comes to relationships with my parents, with my so called friends and with people I just have as occasional guests in and out the settings of my little playtime, but it seems to hard to build myself. I'm a total pussy, I am indecisive and incapable of maintaining a strong sticking approach, what I mean is that, well, I have got no personality whatsoever.
You cant grow a strong personality.A strong personality, strong traits, interesting traits, grow you.Not, the other way around. Its quite lovely that I wish to accomplish a strong hard on personality but its not my decision to make, although its a right on shame because it is the only decisive approach I've been holding up to date.
I cant believe I broke down and teared in front of my mother. I cant believe I told her what I really thought and not the usual word game. I cant fucking believe I gave out a piece of myself for her to examine and that now I can never take it back. I wish I liked to be in my room better so that I wouldn't have to be on the couch accidentally watching a triggering show.
This is whats so low about my persona:
* I smoke and I don't. I haven't decided yet but I haven't had a pack since last may, which I threw out in the garbage just to show how indecisive I am about the paths I choose and avoid. I'm an occasional smoker which is bulls, I never have the guts to let myself just be.
* I'm not my own boss, I mean I'm not a person that someone would want to get to know or be with, I come in a box attached to a shiny better looking item or I don't exist. I stand by the people who show me the way.
*I reveal too much about myself.
* I talk to my parents and that makes me weak. Dont try to correct me, I think its weak that Im 15 and cant possibly keep myself-to myself.
* I dont have any ambitions, well, I only got one, but its a short term one and involves having a personality.
* I dont know what to say.
* I want to send this competition a short story but I dont have anything and Ive been trying to write a short story for that competition since the 30st of DECEMBER, darn it. And I cant seem to pull the right idea or the right words.
* Im lame.
*Im home too much
*I dont have enough knowledge.
*Im lacking carisma
*Im waisting my time
* I wish I could take a vow of silence for the rest of my life. Oh, I wish I could just shut up.
Dont get me wrong, I dont like myself enough to feel sorry for myself, this is not a pathetic attempt at self pity this is self hatred, Im serious, this list just makes me wish I could donate my hair to charity and my clothes to hobos and my savings to orphans and join an orphanage but I cant, they are just all out of my league, damn it.
Today has been quite stupidly handled.
I swear, if I could have thrown myself into a comma, I would, with joy.
The only spot of light revealed itself on my drumming session with Boris, my teacher (I think I'm playing because meeting him is just a fucking highlight, I know twisted and all) but it too ended on a low note. I wont gwt into boring details but you better believe I have some research to get too just to convince myself all the scientific information he rushed in on me could be twisted into something I want to hear.
What you got to understand is that I try to maintain myself when it comes to relationships with my parents, with my so called friends and with people I just have as occasional guests in and out the settings of my little playtime, but it seems to hard to build myself. I'm a total pussy, I am indecisive and incapable of maintaining a strong sticking approach, what I mean is that, well, I have got no personality whatsoever.
You cant grow a strong personality.A strong personality, strong traits, interesting traits, grow you.Not, the other way around. Its quite lovely that I wish to accomplish a strong hard on personality but its not my decision to make, although its a right on shame because it is the only decisive approach I've been holding up to date.
I cant believe I broke down and teared in front of my mother. I cant believe I told her what I really thought and not the usual word game. I cant fucking believe I gave out a piece of myself for her to examine and that now I can never take it back. I wish I liked to be in my room better so that I wouldn't have to be on the couch accidentally watching a triggering show.
This is whats so low about my persona:
* I smoke and I don't. I haven't decided yet but I haven't had a pack since last may, which I threw out in the garbage just to show how indecisive I am about the paths I choose and avoid. I'm an occasional smoker which is bulls, I never have the guts to let myself just be.
* I'm not my own boss, I mean I'm not a person that someone would want to get to know or be with, I come in a box attached to a shiny better looking item or I don't exist. I stand by the people who show me the way.
*I reveal too much about myself.
* I talk to my parents and that makes me weak. Dont try to correct me, I think its weak that Im 15 and cant possibly keep myself-to myself.
* I dont have any ambitions, well, I only got one, but its a short term one and involves having a personality.
* I dont know what to say.
* I want to send this competition a short story but I dont have anything and Ive been trying to write a short story for that competition since the 30st of DECEMBER, darn it. And I cant seem to pull the right idea or the right words.
* Im lame.
*Im home too much
*I dont have enough knowledge.
*Im lacking carisma
*Im waisting my time
* I wish I could take a vow of silence for the rest of my life. Oh, I wish I could just shut up.
Dont get me wrong, I dont like myself enough to feel sorry for myself, this is not a pathetic attempt at self pity this is self hatred, Im serious, this list just makes me wish I could donate my hair to charity and my clothes to hobos and my savings to orphans and join an orphanage but I cant, they are just all out of my league, damn it.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
falling down some stairs to an oven full of Pasta
When a kid does good
he pockets a star
Mama I've been good Mama I've done well
Mama look at me-
dont you glare
Mama disappear,
vanish before I will.
Thus the kid does bad
he pockets a star
Mama it hit me
mama it did.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Dear Anita,
My name is Juan Antolitini. You most probably don't remember me. That would be for a few reasons, some I will keep sacred. Some, I will in a second reveal. The first time we met, I introduced myself as someone else and also you didnt seem to notice me for the most part. I wouldn't want to dig in and describe your great beauty as deeply as I should, you see, madam, you are as beautiful as snow in the winter but this is not the point of this letter that I am writing for you to read. let me tell you something about me, before we proceed. I am 23 years old. I have black shoulder length thick hair and my shirt is always white, not always clean. I was born as Julio but my sick mother, bless her, decided to change it when my kid brother died of an unknown disease, his name was Juan and the woman wanted her Juan, I didnt mind. My mother is still alive, though, if and whether you were wondering. The poor woman is sick as a human can be, she has a damaged spirit and she is well aware of that. Another thing you might want to consider about me is that I'm well shorter than you, my dear Anita.Your long legs are like shark teeth , sharp and dazzling- slicing my eyes with every step you take. Your arms are like roses, your eyes are like a dead animals skin, like leather. Cold- sad, dead.
Now you would love to know who I am, you spoiled child of mine. Our king, our so called leader is our connection. We met today at the dinner table, now, stay enclosed at the target- try to guess who I am.
Anita, your dress at the dinner table was a velvet blue robe that revealed the rose like hands I adore. Your necklace is pure gold, I can spot gold from yards away, I suppose now you must know that I was present at the dinner table earlier this evening. Now, indeed, you are wondering who this must be, am I a lousy joke or am I your Spanish mystery man... I am Juan Antolitini, I am a servant of our great king, I am the guy who tastes our Kings food right before he does. My job is to see if his food has been poisoned.
My dearest Anita, forgive me for my rudeness. Forgive me for my lacking language.
This is my last attempt to contact a living thing, don't try to find me, not that you would, my dear child.Tonight, the food has been dumped in poison and I, I am the warrior who is destined to die so our King would too!I have been poisoned and so has our king.
Farewell my dearest, my beautiful, my sight,
Juan Antolitini
Now you would love to know who I am, you spoiled child of mine. Our king, our so called leader is our connection. We met today at the dinner table, now, stay enclosed at the target- try to guess who I am.
Anita, your dress at the dinner table was a velvet blue robe that revealed the rose like hands I adore. Your necklace is pure gold, I can spot gold from yards away, I suppose now you must know that I was present at the dinner table earlier this evening. Now, indeed, you are wondering who this must be, am I a lousy joke or am I your Spanish mystery man... I am Juan Antolitini, I am a servant of our great king, I am the guy who tastes our Kings food right before he does. My job is to see if his food has been poisoned.
My dearest Anita, forgive me for my rudeness. Forgive me for my lacking language.
This is my last attempt to contact a living thing, don't try to find me, not that you would, my dear child.Tonight, the food has been dumped in poison and I, I am the warrior who is destined to die so our King would too!I have been poisoned and so has our king.
Farewell my dearest, my beautiful, my sight,
Juan Antolitini
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Most blogs, well yes, good ones, get people to attach comment to their posts by the 6th month or so, but Raw Powerr, the mighty, has had some commenting going back on its baby teeth. Those must have fallen out and so had the comments! Amazing. Fuck off, who gives a damn nickle about your pickle. I hate that kind of Skins Pandora talk(You are lacking free time if you aint got the slightest idea who Im blabbing about here!).
What I hate is feeling like you have absolutely no control over what goes on here. I hate that you cant manipulate the situation a 100% to your advantage. I hate being selfish and at the same time so willing to give all Ive got to cherish for that person. it's killing me. Really does, you know? Ive given you about 100 signals, I might as well play "you can leave your hat on" with the signals Im getting from you, or not getting, my dear. I like it that you are intense. I like it that we collide at heating points in which we could argue to no end. Hell with it. I dont need you to be mine. I need Me to be MINE. I really do, you see, you are messing with me and Ive got so much I can load on my plate these days so please, please. Please,please. Im so confused I cant even demand anything. Let alone politely ask you to...
Boy do I need a little drink.
Oh and happy new year even though im late and this is not even the first post since the change. whatever.
Monday, January 9, 2012
L.A Ritalin
Today I took Ritalin. Its a kind of pill they give to "treat" ADHD, I dont have ADHD nor am I a hyper kind of person so I had to bargain it off my pal E. E has started taking it, she probably does need them too, it was way too easy to get a grip on them. I have my reasons to take such risk and take a drug that isnt meant for me specifically(on a school day). I was curious, thats all. I wanted to know, because nobody could fully describe to me what it does to you. Being srounded by established doctors, I could probably land on many other drugs even more 'precious' than Ritalin, but I chose that, mainly because I hate the thought of stealing from my parents. This is the reason why I dont steal dough from their wallets nor do I steal smokes or booze from them, even though I could and they probably wouldnt notice it either. When E described the effects of Ritalin to me on the damn phone I became envious as hell. I mean, how come she gets to be full? How come she gets to be not- hungry? How is it even possible to be full? This question twisted into a being in my mind, it drove me to popping this egg looking capsule.
I dont think anyone could ever be full. I am a very hungry person. I am skinny, to a certain level, all though I don't really know how I've stayed skinny with this appetite of mine.I think being so dependent on food is insane, I dont like it. This consistency, this dependency on food, it is upsetting me. Its horrifying me. And thus, I wished to change it. I want to go against nature- I want to not be hungry. Does this mean, if I converted it into something bigger, mind you, that I dont want to wonder around about life? That I want to stop this never ending crave to- live-. LIVE!
I am probably testing myself too, because right now, I dont see a meaning to continuing the path society has craved for me, over its gazillion years and times of operating, using norms. Im trying to 'collect' myself, and Im hungry but just as I never seem to be full with the food on my plate, I cant seem to settle my mind and be full with going to school, university, getting married and having children. Im not full with that kind of lifestyle, nor with life at all. And I think people who are always incomplete, unfulfilled, are unbalanced and I dont think this balance is possible with the way I operate. Im very indecisive. its killing.
To be frank, the Ritalin is a spoof, I became hungry right in time for dinner.As far as I know, Ritalin is fine. just isnt doing much to quiet my hunger. I guess Im a really hungry person. I did feel kind of weird under it. Maybe I felt more concentrated, I dont know how to explain it, just like nobody could explain it to me. I had to do it and its an experience I will cherish. My eyes hurt, it really does make them wide, its difficult to blink in a natural gesture. First I felt kind of numb and heavy and it made me chuckle under my breath. I feel calm, and my hunger is more bearable than usual, manageable yet still sensed.
After all, hungry people are hungry people, even if they have all the food right on their plate.
And I probably do too.
Ungratefulness.Its killing.
I dont think anyone could ever be full. I am a very hungry person. I am skinny, to a certain level, all though I don't really know how I've stayed skinny with this appetite of mine.I think being so dependent on food is insane, I dont like it. This consistency, this dependency on food, it is upsetting me. Its horrifying me. And thus, I wished to change it. I want to go against nature- I want to not be hungry. Does this mean, if I converted it into something bigger, mind you, that I dont want to wonder around about life? That I want to stop this never ending crave to- live-. LIVE!
I am probably testing myself too, because right now, I dont see a meaning to continuing the path society has craved for me, over its gazillion years and times of operating, using norms. Im trying to 'collect' myself, and Im hungry but just as I never seem to be full with the food on my plate, I cant seem to settle my mind and be full with going to school, university, getting married and having children. Im not full with that kind of lifestyle, nor with life at all. And I think people who are always incomplete, unfulfilled, are unbalanced and I dont think this balance is possible with the way I operate. Im very indecisive. its killing.
To be frank, the Ritalin is a spoof, I became hungry right in time for dinner.As far as I know, Ritalin is fine. just isnt doing much to quiet my hunger. I guess Im a really hungry person. I did feel kind of weird under it. Maybe I felt more concentrated, I dont know how to explain it, just like nobody could explain it to me. I had to do it and its an experience I will cherish. My eyes hurt, it really does make them wide, its difficult to blink in a natural gesture. First I felt kind of numb and heavy and it made me chuckle under my breath. I feel calm, and my hunger is more bearable than usual, manageable yet still sensed.
After all, hungry people are hungry people, even if they have all the food right on their plate.
And I probably do too.
Ungratefulness.Its killing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)