Preface: probability

They are here, its unbelievable we are grasping the same land. Ive never thought I'd see those kids here, not for a while at least. Now its my field, my knowledge , MY GAME.




why am I losing then? Why am I freaking out? Am I going to see any of them?

I'll write about this later, as for now, expect to get a glance of me Downtown a few times...

Fire is jolting through me, perhaps today's run was too much for me. Dizzy. pinching in my chest reminds me I still have got them emotions, damn.

Night,
feathers.

EDIT: I feel better now, thank you.

Run fat boy Run!!!

 I got up from my bed after a long chat with a mate-- classmate(dont want to give you the wrong impression of me having close friends or something) (not that Im demanding to prove that I'm messed up and want your pity, no, Im way past that attitude, I dont need to look for something to feel sorry for myself, its stupid blahhhhh). She left my house and I hurried out behind her wearing my train' shorts and my big ugly Saucony shoes. Tip toeing all the way to the back of a silver car, I settled in a big breath of freshness before I took off into the wind of my own jog , onto the first of my 3 laps. Perhaps, the air that gashed like rocking beverage in a glass around in my lungs was not 100% percent oxygen. It doesn't feel natural. I came to that thought a while back, I mean, breathing is almost unbearably hard while running and maybe, just maybe, when I run a wave of synthetic oxygen is rushed into my lungs which makes my side ache.

When I run, I try to feel that cheesy moment every movie is blabbing about, how it makes the star think and you know, you sure know, that 'run' that makes everything clear and crystal. Yesterday. I tried to see how my sorrow was being converted into one of those striking moments but I'm pretty sure all that got converted were some body fat. Which could never harm, right?

 To be frank (1) , yesterdays run was for exercise purposes only, but while running the first lap I was thinking about how I should be feeling and the times where I went running because I was furious with life and people.  this is where 'to be frank (2) ' comes up, to the movie- tricking -people -system's defense, running does help me clear my head and come back home drained of "ziftogenes" (my dad's word for anger genes, yes he's quite something). And yesterday , yesterday made me feel proud because I never do sports, and to be frank (3) I want to be fit as a bee sting for my upcoming trip to Austria and Germany in two weeks, is that too much for a boy to ask? In the making of this exercising 2 kg have fallen off my shape of shapes. pumphh. 

the chain of events is quite confusing but here is, like, a glimpse of what happened later that night: I got home.  checked my tomato- i mean , my face in the mirror, smiled at the site of fresh sweat , hopped in the shower, I guess I had a shower and got something on while still stinging with wet drops of freshness. Blow dried my personality with witty thoughts and plunged my feet with a pair of black leather lace up boots . I went out and walked slowly. I had a bag in my hands, an orange grocery bag my mom got, occupied by a blue toothbrush a sweater and a book Ive been reading (anybody heard of the 'someone to run with?' book, wow no kidding Im so obsessed with running lately?!/.) . I dont like the two people Im supposedly attached to socially, they are not my friends and I hate being with them but that night I thought I'd better get social with the kids, there were some new ones in the shut library area. For an hour or so the socializing was bearable, I had a nice chat with a girl and well that was that. Swirl of drums. smoking my own thoughts.

I had a nightmare about lice looking like nuts and those cutie-seeds you put in your salad , like flower seeds, it was unbearable I totally freaked out. I swear. This is how messed up my mind is.

Mat.

p.s
this is kind of beautiful- I thought of it myself:
"scanned and perfumed from her own diaries."

Summer Adventure

I want to sit at the bus on my special tacky seat, the one which is on the right. When you enter the line 26 bus right at the stop of the grocery shop 2 blocks away from my humble home, walk straight ahead a couple of rows until you fix your eyes on the 3ird row counting from the back of the bus (of course) .

 You will find 4 seats facing each other, it is only legitimate you craved the one I refer to as 'my seat' because the 2 chairs facing the wrong way will simply give you a headache, and it would only be fair to grant the other passenger the seat next to the window. Now, you see, my seat is the one left , can you draw the picture of it all in your head? The chain of events? Me paying the driver 3$ for a day pass, his harsh eyes studying my money with suspicious glares as he finally prints out a receipt and the buzzing sound assures me I can hop hop to my perfectly good seat where I settle down casually and place my legs on the opposite seat, the one facing the wrong way, making myself right at home!

Now its late and the buses have gone to bed, their wives are probably snoring to the dream of a bigger house, with a pool and some nice oil plates and gasoline. ZZZs. There's no way in hell I'm getting out of this town tonight. No way.

I wish , I wish that bus would take me to a summer adventure , to those summers you only read about in books. I want the rush of excitement in my spine and the swirl of city air in my lungs. I wish for my troubled mind to rest upon a different story, a vivid one. Oh summer , what will you bring upon me this time?Sea of options and so little time to act , I'm in a coma, good damn it, I cant seem to get up and LIVE. Oh god, what if I cant? What If? So much for being a loner by choice (or is it really by choice?).

If. If there is someone out there in Australia ,  In Russia, In the Uk, anywhere, anybody,   who is swallowing my bits of words and my scrambled paper cut thoughts , show a sign of survival, show a sign of existence, please! I think I'm vanishing from the earth and there might be someone there capable of  holding my feet on the ground (Im not reffering to suicide, please no!) Im drifting, again ,to my own universe.

If you are there, contact me, email me. Maybe your summer adventure is about to hit the wild side.

loose some weight when you are at it. Kid-in'.
Mathew

RawPowerr@gmail.com

eye

I hate oversleeping.
I hate noon resting.
I hate eating chicken, especially wings.
I hate loving people that live far away.
I hate looking at my room in the mornings.
I love trains.
I have my own spot on the bus where I always sit. I like my seat.
I hate ice cream.
I love sushi.
I like wearing a sweatshirt.
I love zombie posing in front of a good movie or a funny episode of 'Parks and Recreation'
I hate the songs on MTV nowadays.
I hate when girls wear the 'duck legs' shaped UGG's. They say a lot about who's wearing them.
I hate driving in my parents car when they fight about my grandpa's will.(ttt)
I love the smell of steamed rice and fresh pasta.
I'd like to cook for a vegan.
I like the tingles and the worm rush within that I get when I pass by a set of drums in the music store downtown.
I hate being bitch slapped.
I hate spilling my drink on the table, but secretly love it when it pisses people off.
I like the crunch of corn flakes in the morning.
I liked it when there were snow days and PED days to sweeten my day.
I hate killing ants.
I love a good cheeseburger.
I love doing the smart mouth.
I hate her.
I love her.

I.
I?
why am I in the center? in some way , I will always be, because this is the only center my brain recognizes.

SUMMER conversation and sight

Bonjour ,
I am.
Alive.
In some metaphorical way.
I have been out of town for 10 days. 10days, out in the nature, without a bed , without them folks. Without my melodramatic music playlist, without the couch and my big black boots.
I've been stirring in the air of smoke and anxiety, unknown vibes swirling like semen out there in the woods. Feelings Ive pushed away or haven't even felt before gushed over my chest with sinew.
sinew.
I had no sinew, no power source. Nada.
I had to re-convince myself to live, to rebuild myself and to exhale for a while.

This is when I got my new perspective, Ive started to notice everything, every little twitch, every little change or consistency of setting. Its amazing what you catch when you start seeing. its like I came to the real world again, its not "like", you stupid half american boy, it is just that. A sign on the truck,  expressions,  body language, the skin of a newborn, her name, her name.

Ive met a friend who met a friend whom she had a conversation with, while conditioning he spoke and didnt listen. He talked chauvinism and she clutched her teeth with disgust. He was self concentrated and immature, no wonder his mind cant process the thought of caring, listening and putting an effort into getting the sexual experience he craved in a smart and respectful way. Id never talk about a girl like she's my game and im the 'I-have-to-go-with-dirty-details-to-ma-pips-about-the-size-of-your-breasts' hunter. Never , I promised her. And summer clanged to her hair.