hello
I think its my 2nd post this month and Im very happy with my accomplishment (let me just pop open a sleazy silk bottle of champagne and celebrate the glorious achievement, mind you!) and you know , Im thinking about how not to bore you with my life while still getting rid of the things that are naturally bothering me.
Pretend I did not sound like such a wuss for a moment. I'll start over.
Its the end of the year now. Hardly any school, the smell of summer kills my nose with a bittersweet sensation. The end is always the biggest sensation because you are on the verge of loosing the routine while still in it like , say, you are listening to a mix and most of the songs are not your cup of tea and instead of focusing on listening you are looking forward to the next songs until you get caught up in a routine- in the songs and when you get to the last songs and things get less and less organized your listening is interrupted, the record starts skipping and you know the end is near. You have expectations from the next mix and you dont know what to expect. Does this make any sense? I waited and waited for something to happen all year. In the beginning of the year I thought that by winter I'd have the year all figured out , friends wise, life wise. Winter has ended a while ago, I've turned 15 and nothing changed the way I thought it would. No girl, no life, no fun, no friends I like. I'm not a snob boy, nor am I a total desperate human being so I take it easy with life and let the aliens do their magic. The only thing that did change is my perspective, my world view , Im more independent, more cynical in public, less social Im afraid.
People say that nothing is going to happen to you if you dont step up and get out of your box. I dont know how screenwriters in Freaks and Geeks for example, managed to make a teens life so fucking special and interesting, how I'd love to be Nick or something. There is nothing in the world I can do by myself. I admit this for the first time in a long long time, I NEED COMPANY. So, there is this little fact that you should know about me and it's that I have Anxiety attacks every time I step out of my comfort zone so in the past year Ive avoided anything that gave me the anxiety vibes. Out of pure depression and black-ness Ive pushed everyone away and when I look back at what Ive done, socially, I dont regret a single thing. Im happy I broke friendships that didnt matter Im happy Im now mentally ready to get back on the horse and try a new and exiting life as the independent me-- the intelligent me(in comparison to the old self of course) - the 90's me(fell in love with the vibe) . Im ready to just live and have fun for a change.
This morning I was really depressed to be honest, this post was written two days ago when I was more or less enthusiastic, now Im better but Im not feeling too well either. I really wanted to get out of the house and take a bus and a train downtown but I couldnt pull the strength to do it on my own,I wanted to go by the book store and the comics shop and the theater and have a little fun but the depression monster flashed a pair of bloody wild claws and demanded my gloomy body , trapped, I froze on the couch in front of a documentary about steroids (which was quite interesting considering the fact I think they are bullshit).
So, Im going to let go of this post now and address a question to all of you folks out there:
Are you in my situation ? What do you think is the best way to step out of the box? What do you feel about the end of the school year?
stay hydrated.
Mat-
p.s- steroids to heaven- you get it? zeppelings song- stairway to heaven?
Ooh look at me 2 comments on the same day. Clearly I spend too much time online.
ReplyDeleteI'm at university (college?) now but when I was a teenager I always felt like I should be out there, being a "teenager" having loads of fun. Basically though being a teenager is pretty boring and average (don't let the media lie to you)not to mention difficult!
I think the best way to step out of the box is to force yourself out of your comfort zone. Join a club, strike up a conversation, get that bus - it may be difficult at first but the more you do it the easier it gets. Most people are just as insecure/nervous as you are, they just don't show it.
Also remember High School isn't forever - I have no idea if you like High School or not but I wish I'd realised at the time how insignificant it all really was even though it seemed like everything at the time.
Hope that helps :)
Thanks again,
ReplyDeleteIt is especially hard for me because of my Anxiety and the fact I over think things. I have to decide whether I want to participate in a 12 day camp and Im not quite sure whether Im digging the whole idea of the camp,you know. Do you think I should go or is it a waste of 300$? (I personally ind the whole idea pretty lame, should I experience anyway?)
p.s
we have university too, not college!
I guess it's up to you, it depends whether you mind it not being a good experience or not, which depends on luck I guess. I've never been to a summer camp but I guess it would be a good way of meeting new people, and even if you disliked it it's only 12 days? It might be worth it just as a learning experience and as an exercise in tackling your anxiety.Or you could try and find something else to do that you are more interested in? The only way to become less anxious in social situations is practice in my experience, avoidance only worsens the fear. It's up to you though like I said.
ReplyDelete